Final Days are Fleeting

Monday June 18


Well, its 2 am on my last day in Oxford. January seems like such a long time ago but I still can't help but think how quickly it all has seemed to pass by - especially these past two weeks which I have had barely anytime to mention.


Tonight was a good night. I stayed up till 4am yesterday trying to get on a bit of an American schedule. So much of today was wasted away by the time I woke up. I did some more around the house then went to my last church service at St. Aldates. It was a night for adult Baptism- an Father's day as well- A man from Glasgow Scotland sat next to me - he was really friendly- and he was visiting his daughter who works here in the Radcliffe Infirmary as a nurse. I think I've discovered what I like most about going to church here is that it is one of the few places that random conversations with strangers not associated with my college can happen...I also shook hands with a man who was just elated that his daughter was being Baptized tonight. She looked about my age really, maybe a little younger. He could not wait to tell me that he was here for that, and I suppose I can't imagine a better way to spend father's day. All through the worship, before I even had talked to him, he was so expressive about his excitement- a little more jumpy than I think I will ever be- but he would sing out freely when there was just instrumental music playing, and I believe much of the time he was speaking in tongues or at least some other language. It was genuine and maybe one of the only times I've felt blessed just by listening to someone else praise God. Some times I just feel it is too emotional and exhibitionist like for me to appreciate- but especially after speaking with this man I realized why he may be so expressive in his worship. If God's excitement for me when I choose to follow him is anything close to what this man expressed, then I am certainly encouraged to put more effort into abandoning my nature.

After church I went to Port Meadow with several of the Regents students. It was just a really nice evening..the guys built a little fire- which I was amazed by since it was so wet everywhere. A lot of people are leaving today and then several of us are leaving tomorrow so it was just a nice evening to end a lot of the year. It started to rain- and on the way back my bike chain popped off and wouldn't stay on. I guess the rain was making it worse for my bike chain that needs oil....Ali walked home with me so we had a nice long chat. I baked some cookies when we came back and enjoyed some time in Alanna's room with her and Ali. I will certainly miss my housemates. :)

Hello Summer

My work for Oxford is finally finished.



This last essay came in the middle of all the "end of year" excitement so it was really one of the hardest ones to concentrate on. I tried to read as much as possible thursday and friday because saturday we had our Final Fling and I knew I would be worthless for work. As of Sunday morning I still had 4 sources to go through before finally beginning my writing somwhere around 3am. My topic was to analyze the nature of power using the case of the US. I read for hours on sunday because I really was just unable to develop any kind of outline. Finally I just had to start writing.....I slept from 6 to 8:30 waking up several times. I think I kept dreaming about my topic because I would wake up with an idea but just didn't have the energy to write it down...When I finally got back up I somehow managed to regain focus and my argument ended up coming together much better than I expected. My tutor had some nice comments on it which was a welcomed reassurance for my last week at Oxford. I know that even if my understanding will never match his or a lot of other students around here- I have made a ton of progress in my own knowledge of IR and history. I have always considered my self to be a horrible history person. So I have really surprised myself that I've been able to retain a lot of what I have read and my tutor taught me over the weeks. Confidence may be a point I never get too in my discussions with other people. But it is exciting to feel like I have a solid understanding from which I can develop my opinions.



The tutorial system is so strange. I essentially have only spent 9 hours with my tutor this entire term, counting our first meeting prior to the Easter holiday. Basically at the point I have become adjusted to his teaching and become comfortable asking questions it is already time to move on to the next thing. As usual I spent Monday night in knots over my meeting the next day-whether I would remember what I've read , whether I would have had enough sleep by then to comprehend and speak sensibly...whether I would have come some what close to answering the question correctly. The next morning...I meant to wake up with plenty of time to read over notes and feel awake....but also as usual...I kept resetting my alarm until 10am when it was essential for me to get out of bed to make it on time. I can't believe I have actually been on time for every single tutorial this term. I think that is a life record for me. Part of this must be because my tutor had to meet me at the door outside of his office building- and I just can't imagine what the consequences would be if I just wasn't there waiting when he opened the door. In my mind I imagine him looking outside and immediately going back to his office...say I showed up 3 minutes later....there's no way he would come back down there...and there's no way i would try to find a way up to his office to ask for my tutorial. anyway, maybe that is why I've been on time lately.


The POINT of this is....I can finally stop thinking about all of that stuff. Summer is here. I like it a lot. Especially since its only in the 60s and 70s still...rather than the mini drought that i'm hearing of from back home.

I feel relaxed completely for the first time in a very long time....even last summer I had the pressure in the background that I needed to do reading for Oxford....I'm sure I'll remember all the studying I need to do for the next year when I get home. Until next Tuesday, I feel as though I've completed a 2 year process of work....and I haven't quite yet determined how I really feel about that. I'm sure I'll blog about it later....as in later when I'm studying again and wanting to put off work...

Making my list..Checking off the Days

Tuesday June 5
Im always happy to finished with an essay- and always wish I could leave it at that without having to face the tutorial. I'm not sure why that is, considering they generally end up fine. Last Tuesday's tute was interesting, and I was able to distinguish among theories regarding globalization much better after the hour was over- at least in how I would have liked to discussed them in my essay. I'm still having issues providing emipiracle support, even when my argument makes sense and can be supported. I don't know if this is because I have a natural lack of interest in history versus conceptual or if I have a lack of knowledge to pull from....or perhaps I'm lazy. Either way, that's what I must work on. Just one more.

After the tutorial, as has become my routine...I headed back to the JCR for tea and biscuits with my ipod and one of the sections of the student magazine which requires no thought. I sit there thinking how there is now an endless possibility of things I can do next....my time is finally my own. People generally start filtering in for lunch about 15 or 20 minutes after I sit down, so its a good time for me to catch my breath before I start the week again. This week Amy sat down with me and we had a nice chat. She's a 3rd year who has just finished her exams and is going for her teaching certification next year...that day she was going out with a fried to look in to some of the colleges that she had not been to yet. It's funny to think that I may have seen more of Oxford University than some of the students who are here for a longer amount of time-- I suppose somewhere around a month before one leaves Oxford for good it becomes important to see things. The university a very exclusive environment...with out being a "Member" it is just not easy to see much. This makes sense of course, because there are hundreds and hundred of tourist every day. If they had access to libraries then none of the students would bother going.

Check List
I made a calendar last friday to check off the days I have left. For one, it gives me something to do at the end of the day...and two, it reminds me that I need to get everything in before time gets away!

So this week I've kept fairly busy trying to check off my last bit of things to see do around here. Tuesday I went into St. Johns. They have an expansive back garden that is more immaculate most city parks I've seen in the states . It was so relaxing just to walk around for a little while and enjoy the brief moments before I would start thinking about essays again.

After St. Johns I walked around the corner to Broad Street and decided to stop in the New Bodleian to look my books up on the OLIS (this is the card catalog which I have to go to to find out which libraries have my books and whether or not they are available in the libraries I have access to. All of mine this term have been in the Social Science Library) The New Bodeian is really strict. I had to hand my back pack over to a lady who handed me a wooden block with a number on it. The New Bod is not really all that new. It is at least 50-70 years old. Which, I guess that is still pretty new in Oxford terms. A copy of all of the books ever published in Britain is in possession of the Bod….which they underground kindof beneath Blackwells book store. I read that a conveyor belt thing transfers books under Broad Street from the old bod to the new. It’s a librarians dream I would think. The New Bod definitely is not as impressive in terms of architecture and detail as the old bod. I went to the PPE reading room- which was lined with bookshelves all around the walls and in the middle one long table after another with lamps for the work areas. The ceiling was covered in an interesting geometric type design made of wood though. That was the only really special part of the room. I found the library numbers for my books and headed off.

Religion and Public Policy Lecture
At 5 I attended a Religion and Public Policy Lecture at Regent's park. It was really for the Senior fellows and some of the MCR students. I found it interesting however, as it related to many of the issues I studied in political theory relating to separation of church and state..and multiculturalism issues. I really love to watch the lectures debate with the senior fellows. They are really intense because both come from very well educated points of view. One of the issues discussed involved the teaching of religion in schools- the lecturer commenting on how poor the knowledge in elementary schools is regarding basic elements to Christianity. Its funny that I was not even taught about religion period in elementary school- but his argument was that its very important for children here so that they can understand what they are looking at when they see most artwork from the past centuries and other cultural items-here of course religion is very much tied in with coronations and all that as well- I never really considered the cultural need to know of religions mostly because I was taught the fundamentals of Christianity at such a young age- and then later those of the other world relgions before I was able to view most of the art involving those subjects. Religion is very much the central theme of most of my cultural tours around Europe though- so I can see how the issue of teaching religions could be more tricky around here. Just an interesting outlook on it I've never really thought of because I don't know what it would be like to see a picture of the crucifixtion and not understand what is being depicted. One of the other fellows disagreed that children for the most part don't know these basic things in Britain- I'm not sure how America compares on that....

Back to the Books...Already
After dinner I cycled to the SSL to find my books. Unfortunately they were mostly short loaned, which meant I would have to come back every two days and check them out again. I decided to go ahead and get them since I really needed to read more earlier this week. I always feel nervous walking around the SSL..especially now that I wear flip flops which tend to make that annoying flapping sound. I never really notice it until I’m walking in the library that is so deathly silent…I guess the silence matches the gray walls and the fluorescent lighting..the endless rows of books and study tables. The SSL is really not my favorite place. I think I avoided studying there as much as possible..maybe to my disadvantage. The one good thing is that it is made of mostly glass…so the windows are floor to ceiling and give an excellent view of the little creek near by. Anyhow..I flip flopped around the the JZ section for my last time- happy to be on my last book hunt of the term. Finding the books is always kind of exciting. It makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something just by looking them up on OLIS and then finding them tucked away on the shelves. So much promise of learning exists on the Tuesday after my tute. Unfortunately I know that I am not likely to look at these books again for another couple of days. At least I have them though….reminding me that I’m not quite finished yet.

Effects of An All-Nighter

I love this time of year...when each day is just a little bit longer than the last. It is 8:15 here and the sky is still increadibly blue..the sun is still pretty bright. Sometimes I forget that if I were at home, I would be going on at least the fourth week of summer. Oxford is just in a time of its own, and I still get to enjoy the world of learning for a full week before I turn in my last essay and my summer vacation starts.

The real reason I probably haven't noticed that it is summer is because it does not feel like any summer that I have ever experienced in June. Today I had to wear a jacket riding into town and on the way back in tonight my face actually became cold from the wind. I noticed it even more because I forgot to wear my ipod. I also noticed how loud the cars were as the whizzed by WAY too close for comfort. Seriously, there is no reason for a huge van to need to venture into my bike lane. As if he is not taking up enough of the main road. I feel for the drivers here. I would never know how to handle ALL the cyclists....but I do know that I would want to NOT hit them..starting with an attempt to not drive in the bike lane.

It feels much more like late April...the middle of Track season. It still smells like spring here...and it makes me feel like I have a Meet to go to where I will stress out all night until the gun is shot for the start of the 4x400. I should be spending at least an hour stretching on the the multi-million dollar grass of the infield.

I like this weather. (when it doesn't rain) It is nice to not be miserable in the heat, especially with all the cycling. Plus riding a bike in shorts makes me uncomfortable and self concious. I wore a tank top out for the first time yesterday and felt completely naked. My arms seem longer, and I forgot what it was like to worry over whether I was tan enough or not. Most of the people here I've met are very fine with being white. I'm going to miss that.

I love the fact that there are no mosquitos here.

I hate the fact that there are no fireflies. One of my favorite times of summer was a night in early june when the field behind my house was swarming twinkling lights of the fireflies. My house is at the top of the hill and so there is kind of a miniature valley behind it. It looked like there were millions of them from far away...but sort of the same way that fog doesn't feel like a cloud, when I walked in the middle I only felt surrounded by ten or so.

The days of summer are long here though. Even longer than at home. Last night the sky was still somewhat blue as of 10 o'clock. It is dark soon after, but around 3:30 the shades of blue return and by 4 am the birds become as bothersome as having a single cricket trapped in my room. I can't see the sun from my room...but by 4:30 it may as well tomorrow. I know these things because lately my body feels the need to live on some strange schedule in a time zone somewhere over the Atlantic. I haven't been to bed before 4 am in at least 4 or 5 days. Obviously, I sleep in late as well. Last night I didn't go to bed so I'm hoping to be back on track this week. Although, I have considered the benefits of staying on this pattern in avoiding jet lag when I return 2 weeks from tomorrow. But it just isn't natural- or easy- to fall asleep when the birds are singing.

Sen Lecture

Whenever I start blogging, I keep remembering things that I need to make sure I put in here before I go home and don't care about keeping this thing up anymore.

Yesterday I felt like a good little Oxford scholar...attending a whopping TWO lectures.

The first was a Sustainable Development Law conference at Exeter college. I expected lots of graduates..maybe some undergrads to be there. Instead there maybe 4 other students there, 2 of which were running the thing...and one of the girls already had her Law degree from Berkeley and a husband who is a UN Peacekeeper. Her name was Cinnamon. She was surprised when I told her I was from Ky because she actually lived in Dry Ridge (less than an hour from Georgetown) while working at University of Cincinnati for a while. It is certainly crazy the people you will meet.

The speaker was from Brazil. She discussed Environmental Law..and how to help sustainable development work in the future basically. I've never really given much thought to environmental law. I'm from an Agricultural background so you would think it would be the first thing I thought about....The conference was interesting enough..I was the only undergrad there so a lot of it was definitely over my head. I got a grasp on some of the issues though to think of for later.

The next exciting event of the day was a lecture in the Sheldonian by Amyrta Sen, professor of Economics from Havard University. I read Sen for my theories of politics course last term- his lecture was titles "What Theory of Justice"....Events like this help me to appreciate how many people are just thinking about issues for essentially their entire lives. Sen is one of the most respected scholars in political theory...he has a Nobel prize in economics....and he's still writing, researching....it just goes on forever doesn't it.

One of the most debated parts in the theories of justice is the idea of the "Impartial Spectator". Is it possible to ever consider the needs of a wider community over that of your family, friends, compatriots? Part of me wants to believe that it could happen....part of me doesn't see how it ever could.

A bit from Before

I need to read for my essay.

Instead I'm catching up on my life. I find that writing all of this down has helped me reflect a lot on what I'm actually doing with my time...as opposed to letting each day get away from me as I read my life away... I've always kept a journal of things. I started writing when I was 12 for fear that I would just forget it all at some point and my children would have no way of knowing who I was- It is strange that I would think of such things at the age of 12. I remember charting down how many miles I had run for Cross Country or Track practice...what my split was for each 4x400 meter relay competition....I thought I might decided to add all the numbers up one day and see how many miles I'd put on my body. I didn't want to forget what it was like to go through middle school, as much as I think I hated it. I didn't want to forget the names of the people I went to OBI with...since most of them I would never see again. I don't read through my journals often, but when I do it amazes me how much I HAVE forgotten of my life.

I wonder how much I will remember of Oxford. I'm getting to that point in the experience where I'm ready to go home...but also very aware of how permanent "going home" is. Leaving my Oxford friends behind after only a few months of knowing them will be sad. I will handle it because that's what I got used to doing somewhere along the way when I went to boarding school where I did good to keep the same friends for a full school year. The larger reality I'm having to face is leaving my Georgetown friends a year from now. I'm not ready to face that part of life where all the memories have been made and all I'm left with is a "This buddy of mine from college" story. I've been with my friends at Georgetown essentially longer than I have with any other group of people in my life. I think of this often. But I'll put that aside for now.

It is just interesting how much I want to hold on to memories and experiences...and that this is what largely motivates me to write so much. Some of the details are boring, of course. But then again, this blog is probably rarely read word for word by many people other than myself. I can't imagine letting this time of my life slip through the cracks with no record of what I'm going through.

It hit me recently that I can barely remember my last year at Georgetown. I stopped writing in my journal for almost a year. It was as if with each new level of stress I reached, I shyed away from writing about life. Perhaps I didn't want to remember. I wouldn't know now. I sometimes feel like I stop knowing myself when I stop writing. So I have no clue now what my deep reasoning would have been for not recording at least a thought or two down when I experienced what I feel was one of my most difficult years personally....Last fall was especially a difficult time that I'm glad to be far away from now. I remember being so distraught over a few personal issues that I couldn't bring myself to do much school work at all...it wasn't as if I had a ton to do, but I really did stop caring as much as I once did about nearly everything in general. I remember never going to bed before 2 am before my 9 am classes the next day. I remember wishing everyday that time would just go by so that those few months would be only a distant memory. Its funny that the whole time period is now a blur and much of it really is only a distant memory. I guess its good that I don't write about everything. Thinking on those months, Oxford has been a very good escape for me.

While that entire last paragraph seems to have little to do with my experience in Oxford- it really was a significant precursor to my few months here. And it is something that I want to remember to some extent in terms of who I was before coming here. It is strange how people see me as generally a put together person when re-reading my blog I think I portray someone quite a mess...this is why I love to read other people's blogs. It's interesting how some of them focus on points of view, with little emphasis on personal life....and others are almost a moment by moment account of one's daily experience. I've recently been exploring some other blogs from students at Oxford. Some of it, even though my experience as a student here will be limited, I can relate to very much. Some of it...makes me realize why I may never be the academic that I secretly wish came naturally for me....It is nice to know that there are people who care about the same things I care about...And who have a need to express their life experience through writing..to an unknown audience especially. As summer has arrived, I honestly imagine myself writing to no one now. Most of my friends are hopefully nowhere near a computer...most of my family is looking forward to seeing me, rather than spending time on here trying to catch up....

Anyway....this was just one of those notes that I needed to write...to myself..i just realized it has no logical flow or common theme other than my rambling.....if there are still people reading this thing...thanks for bearing with me and "one of my moments"

Saturday of Eights

Saturday was the exciting end of Eights. I watched the boys bump from Donnington bridge then headed down to the boathouse to visit with the girls before their race. It took me at least half an hour to walk the tow path around to the other side because they weren't allowing us to ride bikes. When I got to the boathouse, the girls asked me to Marshall for them...so I started almost immediately walking to the other side. After another half hour I arrived and was told that we had y missed the deadline to send a marshall. I felt bad that I didn't get there in time but there wasn't much we could do then... I guess the good thing about this was that I made it to the other side in time to see the girls race. (otherwise I probably would have waited to long and been too late)

The were amazing!! They bumped very soon after the start as they have done every other day...and we were soon on to celebrating their victory!

The Saturday of summer eights was one of the most "typical" Oxford type things I have been too. The river was jam packed with people coming from a wide range of social groups. Along with all the University students and boat clubs...there were families around with kids picnicking in the park side...and there were several older people dressed stylishly in the Old boat crew suit coat complete with straw hat. Smells of grill out food were every where, something I cannot wait to get back to when I go home this summer. People covered all of the boat houses...pouring along the stair cases and the railings of the balcony...the atmostphere was bustling, exciting...the rowing was pretty intense. It makes a nice memory.

What's Next

Everyday I grow more jealous of people at home who are enjoying summer without an essay looming over their head. I just felt the need to mention that. Every day I wake up planning on getting right to work...and find myself able to waste more time than than should be humanly possible. I stayed awake until 3 am last night...I had cleaned my room until about 2 but then went downstairs and ended up talking to Alanna for much longer than I planned. I really needed a good chat though. I just made it sound like I was a complete disaster in terms of cleanliness- my room wasn't that bad- but I've managed to misplace a 50lb. note that I just "know" I left in my drawer. I've noticed it missing for a couple of weeks now, but have decided not to look for it because usually that doesn't really help. Recent events, however, have demanded that I find it.

The day before yesterday I checked my mailbox to find my Debit Card there waiting for me. This was strange because I didn't even realize I had lost it! Upon checking my account I 've found 60 bucks spent on it at the Tesco (a grocery store here). I'm glad to have my card back...but nothing about this situation makes any sense. Why would some one spend my money then return my card to college? Why wouldn't they just keep it? My worst fear is that who ever did spend the money kept my number for later use.....This means that I really need to shut my card down. But I have 2 1/2 weeks left here....I can't just not have access to my money. I was hoping to find my 50 pound note- at least then I would feel like I could shut the card down and have a reasonable amount to get me by until the end. The note HAS to be in my room unless it was stolen. So I'm hoping that it just turns up, as things tend to do with me. But if I'm going to shut my card down...I don't want to take out money and then find the 50 pounds and not need to spend them!!!!

Thinking about all of this just makes me angry. I'm angry at myself if I irresponsibly misplaced both my cash and my card. Secondly, I 'm angry that someone would steal from me. Either way of course, it falls back on me to have not been more careful with my money. Most of all, I'm frustrated because I don't know what to do about it next. I am the most tight person with my money out of every one I know. To spend money beyond necessity for me generally takes a lot of convincing and reasoning with my self. To think that someone else would spend my money so generously is almost ironic- or maybe it isn't exactly irony- but it is bothersome. It makes me feel like I really cannot justify doing a lot of the things I wanted to do before I left. If I had planned to spend, say 200 more bucks before leaving....well 160 is already accounted for- even if my 50 pounds has not been spent...it seems to be as good as gone as I cannot find it anywhere.

I've maintained a fairly reasonable attitude about. Really there is nothing much I can do. If I lost my 50 and don't find it, then I just have to accept that. Even if it had been strangely stolen- I really cannot know or expect it to be returned. So I just need to accept that its gone.

As far as my credit card is concerned- the money should be refunded to me by the bank. And the important thing is that I have it back. Even if I didn't realize it was lost originally. So that's that.

The bad thing is, I have a hard time just not thinking about the fact that I have lost 100 bucks somewhere. May be in the grand scheme of my life this won't feel like that much money....but when I don't even have enough to pay for next falls' tuition...100 bucks sure seems like a heck of a lot for this moment. That's 5 trips to London, at least 4 meals that I could have dined out in Oxford, 3 nights of weekday waitressing, an opportunity to do something that I may not feel like spending the money on now that it's already gone somewhere. Thinking about it is just distracting me from work at the moment. I only have so much junk in my room...it couldn't have just dissappeared.

Aside from being cut in line...losing money or being robbed is probably my second greatest source of frustration to an irrational extent.

Tonight the Regent's students are presenting the play Twelfth night. It looks beautiful outside for the moment so I guess we will be able to have it outside!! I should have worked more today. I guess there will always be work to do.

Summer Eights Week and Vivaldi's Gloria

Wednesday, May 30th 2007

Last week was an exciting time for the Regents Park rowing team- the week of Summer Eights. Even though I wasn't actually rowing in the boat for competition time, my daily schedule centered around the women's racing.

I missed the races on Wednesday, but on Thursday was able to watch the second round. Because the river isn't wide enough to have 13 or so boats race side by side, the boats line up and attempt to catch the boat in front of them (called a Bump because they used to actually hit the boat with their own) before they are caught by the boat behind them. This is not so easy...if the boat in front of ours bumps successfully...then both that boat and the boat they caught are out of the race...and our girls then have to catch the boat that was in front of both of them...So, you can see how a lot of the competition is based on skilled rowing...and a lot is based on pure luck...

My house is just around the corner from the river...so several of us from Stanely road went to Donnigton Bridge to watch the girls race on Thursday. The gun fired...and several teams went by us while our girls were nowhere in site. Finally, we saw a group dressed in red heading into the trees...this was clearly the Regents team, but we could not figure out why they weren't rowing straight. My heart sank for the team convinced that something had gone horribly wrong...but apparently, they had bumped with in the first 15 strokes of the start and just needed to move out of the way!!

It was a beautiful day, so I found my books in the SSL and went to the University Parks to read for a while before dinner. I couldn't imagine spending a day as beautiful as this one inside a library...even if it is more effective for studying. Like I've mentioned before, the sun is not promised to show up everday here..so I have to enjoy it when I can...I watched a bunch of students play ultimate frisbee. I was jealous, trying to recall the last time I had been able to play. I think it must be last fourth of July at my house. I thought about how frisbee must be a universal college pastime...if school in America were in session right now...there would sure enough be a ton of students playing in a field at any given university.

Friday was gross and rainy outside...but my housemates and I braved the weather to watch the races once again...and of course, our girls did an amazing job bumping fairly quickly into the race again.

Gloria
I couldn't hang around for long, because this was the evening of our Choir performance of Vivaldi's "Gloria". We have only been working on the piece for a few hours overs the course of 5 weeks, which is not really any time at all to learn such a piece. I have loved being part of a choir again, even if I really don't read music that well. Singing is just one of those things I need in life -for stress relief...artistic expression...or just to be part of the music...I don't know what it is. The neat thing about Gloria was that we performed it right in our own quad at Regents. The rain cleared off to make for the most beautiful setting. The concert was preceeded by free Pimms for the audience- who were all dressed up as formal hall was to follow. It was just one of those moments that is exclusive to my Oxford life. Vivaldi, tuxes, and a endless flow of Pimms shared by students and faculty in the garden before dinner.

Formal hall had an extra bit of excitement to it..complete with table cloths..and a much greater crowd than usual because of the concert. Though no event followed I spent quite a lot of time visiting in the JCR before heading home.

Fourteen down, Two to go

Tuesday, May 29,2007

Where did May go? As of today I have exactly 3 weeks left to enjoy Oxford. I cannot believe how fast time has gone by.

Today I had my 6th tutorial of the term. Its funny that I feel how I did based on the trip following my tutor from the front door of his building to his office. Generally we discuss how much its been raining...or how nice it is that it finally stopped raining...today there wasn't any small talk on our way up the stairs. His first question to me is "How did you find the reading this week?" This allows me time to elaborate on what I didn't understand...and offer up some excuse for why my essay was not that great. This week my topic was the role of culture in conflict...I just felt so scattered in the reading and this immediately was reflected in my essay. Well, at least my intro was pretty good. The hour did go by fairly fast though, and I didn't feel as much tension as the last time my essay didn't turn out so well. I'm glad he doesn't talk about being dissapointed, which is was my last tutors response when I did less than what he thought I was capable of. I guess there was some element of motivation though....I'm horrible at just feeling guilt ridden if I think I've let someone down.

We actually did talk about allergies at one point- which I am having a TERRIBLE time with at the moment. Saturday evening, the night before I begin writing the essay, I come up with a massive headache around my eyes. No matter how much I slept I felt like I just could not keep my eyes open. I had wanted to go to the rowing dinner to celebrate the team winning blades that afternoon...but instead I fell asleep around 9 pm. (yeah these are the moments when I just feel lame) I woke up when Kristie came in- and my clock said it was 11. My plan was to get back up and read for a while so I could get started on the essay in the morning....but when I finally managed to get out of bed I realized it was 2 am!! So, it appears my clock is broken. I read an article, went back to sleep at 4 , then got back up at 1pm on sunday. 12 hours of sleep total, and when I woke back up I still felt just horrible.

I have never had time in my life to be sick. My work week is not scheduled around the possibility of being knocked out for a day until I start to "feel better". I have always had the worst attitude when I comes to being sick. First, I refuse to take medicine until the pain makes it unbearable obvious that I am ill enough for it. I never had a good reason for this. Its just how I am. Secondly, I never concede to my sickness and stop my routine for it. I have always felt that if I can tell myself not to be ill, it will be so. Needless to say, getting through my essay writing last Sunday was a tedious and painful task when my eyes wanted so badly to rest. Luckily my sister happened to go home this weekend so I was able to call her on skype..and probably spent too much time talking to her and my parents. Around 2 I did started to feel better. I slept from 5am to 7am...then went about the business as usual of finishing up the essay right in time to sprint on my bike to Regent's, print my paper, and walk the hard copy down to Nuffield college.

This walk is one of the most rewarding times of the week. Every sunday night I wonder how the week went by so fast, and when will this endless writing process ever end... and every monday afternoon I think "that wasn't so bad". James, another guy from Regent's, also has my tutor for a different topic. We usually walk together, talk about how it went...how sleep deprived we are, and how our tutorial dates go,- how his threats of no tutorial have actually been successful in helping us get the essays turned in. I laughed when James said that he's never turned in essays on time until now-and how last week he turned up to a tute with out any essay at all...I'm sure if I actually went to school here I would be in the same situation a lot. I've met a lot of students at oxford who have punctuality issues.....like I really belong..haha.

It is so nice to have someone with the same tutor as me this term, someone who can understand what it's like to sit there in an hour session being expectedto know far more than I do (and justifiably, because my knowledge of history is pathetic ow)....we laugh about the moments when he asks us the details of our discipline and all we can do is sit there in silence staring at the ground...hoping he will eventually consent to helping us about with the answer. I've finally gotten to the point where I will just admit that I don't know...rather than bearing the awkwardness of complete silence for what seems like ages.

I can't imagine what Lee's response would be if I told him the essay would just have to hold off because my face hurt.

Fortunately, I pushed through an got the thing finished, and my 14th Oxford tutorial is over. Now I can just sit in the bodleian...admire the Radcliffe Camera from this gigantic window across from me..wonder why this guy next to me isn't wearing any shoes like this is his room or something....and do some much needed catching up on my blog.

Return to Bath

Things are happening faster than I can write about them!!

Wednesday Kristie and I took a day trip to Bath. It was nice to get away for a little bit from the routine (or my non-routine it seems) of Oxford. When I went to Bath with mom and dad I thought it was the most beautiful little town. So I was definitely excited to go back, especially since Kristie hasn't been yet. We took the train from Oxford, and changed rails at Didcot Parkway.

I love the train stations here. Especially the ones in smaller towns like Bath. They are exactly what I imagined them to be like if I were reading a novel involving trains or something. Less intimidating and busy than a subway...and even styled a bit in the little details of the architecture...I suppose its a good thing I enjoy sitting outside by the tracks because Kristie and I managed to miss our train to Bath from Didcot. No, we didn't arrive late. In fact, we were about 5 minutes early. We sat on a bench, Kristie bought some skittles (which were really cold strangely and almost broke our teeth)...and we just hung out. A train came that was headed to Bristol, we watched the people get on and off...watched the little men blow their whistles and shut the doors...and realized about 5 or 10 minutes after it left that this was the train we were to be on. If I knew my English geography better I would have realized that Bristol is just beyond Bath..so Bath would be a stop on the way their...but instead we had to wait another hour for the next train to Bath.

No problem really, as Kristie and I just talked the time away, occasionally interrupted by a non-stopping train whizzing and creating the most painful screeching noise. But eventually our train did come...and less than an hour later we were in the beautiful little town of Bath.

Our first stop was a Sweet Shop that Kristie fell in love with. It was so tiny, but old fashioned just like it would have looked a hundred years ago I think. The candy was displayed in Jars all around the room that the lady would have to shake out on to a scale. It was priced by weight...there were all sorts of sweets hanging from the ceiling as well. While we were there, a couple of school boys came in wearing their uniforms and ready to spend whatever pence they had on candy braceletys and gummy things...I, as a tourist, look at this daily visit as such a novelty. It was just really cool.

We basically just walked to where ever we could...making our way to the Royal Crescent...watching people lay around on the grass in the parks...We saw the greatest tree and stopped for pictures before heading to a bird aviary and then the botanical gardens where Kristie was followed around by a little old man walking his dog. The gardens just smelled of spring, and the roses there smelled exactly like what you would bottle up as "Rose" perfume rather than some cold refrigerator in Kroger. I just love the smell of roses.

We picked up dinner (sandwiches) at the grocery store and went for a walk along the river to eat them. Then we went to the Pump Room, which is right next to the Roman Baths for afternoon tea and scones. Eating in the Pump Room tops my list of favorite experiences of England. It was very proper...accompanied by classical piano ! It was just a beautiful room with the most delicious cream and scones- It was nice to spend some time with Kristie as well, and talk a bit about our Oxford experience and some of our expectations of returning home. It will be interesting to see certain changes in our lives that stick and some that we will lose rather quickly. I won't go in to those now...maybe another time.

If Only Everyday were like Today

Tuesday, May 22nd

This has been one of my favorite days in Oxford.

I had my 5th Trinity term tutorial this morning. It went pretty well becuase I worked harder on this one - It amazing how much I feel I learn in just one tutorial session. I guess having someone holding me directly accountable to explain what I've learned makes a huge difference.

After this I headed back to Regent's, where I met my housemate Jonny and we went to get lunch from a sandwhich place. I generally don't eat outside of college but today we planned to go Punting instead of lunch since it was Tyler's last day with us. So next we headed to the river for punting!!

Punting is something very unique and popular in Oxford... the boat is sort of like a Gondola, it sits low in the water and someone stands in up on the back of it to steer with a giant pole. I have to mention here that today was absolutely gorgeous in every way. Just warm enough to feel like summer...just breezy enough to be comfortable....and the most beautiful clouds! It made for a perfect time on the river. After working so much the past days, I just loved laying there in the boat and soaking it it. Tiny white gosling feathers covered the water and floated all around in the air. I don't know where they came from really...it almost seemed like it was snowing....it was really beautiful though.

After punting, I headed off for a walk around Oxford. I stopped in Merton College just to have a peek since I haven't been there yet. In the back there was the most massive tree covering the yard. I tood several photographs because it was so breathtaking. I found myself wanting to climb it. It has been so long since I've climbed a tree. I visited the college chapel then headed on for a walk through Christ Church gardens. This was my first time walking through the long path of gigantic trees. I just imagined how many people have enjoyed this same walk. It follows right along a pasture and offers the perfect view of the University from a distance. I found myself stopping by the river. Usually when I come to the head of the river it is for rowing practice. This time I was able to stop and lay in the sun for a while. I fell asleep in the grass listening to the rowing cox's leading their crews on the river.

When I woke up it was just about 5- and time to hear the McCandles lecture presented by Dr. Ward. Dr. Ward is one of my philosophy professors at Georgetown College. His lecture concerned different ideas of conversion as contested by two well known theologians. It is always nice to have visitors from Georgetown come. After dinner Tyler, Kristie, and I went with Dr. Ward to the Turf Tavern pub for some good catching up.

I took the passage through Queens lane on the way home, which is sort of dark and scary in the romanticized Oxford way. It was one of the few times on bike that I've been able to view all the stars behind the "dreaming spires" of the colleges. It is a beautiful spring night in Oxford.

Something Different

I wish this layout attached the date to my blog entries...and I like the background too much to change it so i guess I'll just have to write it myself.

May 19th!....well, in america...here it is 1:17 on May 20th...

either way, I'm exactly one month out from returning to the states. A scary thought really. so i'm going to put off thinking about it.

Today Alanna woke me to go play Rounders witht the Regent's students. It was a form of softball except the ball was very tiny, the bat was tiny, the field was tiny, and you only hit with one hand. The rules of this game were nothing like I've ever experienced. Apparently you run even if you don't hit the ball.....a very good thing for me. So after the ball has been thrown 20 times however many "rounders" you've gotten (which is someone gets all the way around) is your score. They don't have bases either...instead there are skinny poles shooting up from the ground that I wanted very much to hang on to as I ran past.

The sky was perfect. The temperature was just great...and it was just a great something different to try out. We played the girls from Christ Church college just for fun, i think they beat us but I don't guess I paid very close attention...mainly I just ran when people told me too. It was fun.

This evening I had dinner with Ula. She is my Polish friend who lives in Italy. She made Ragout (pasta and bolognese sauce) for us and shared some of her amazing Jasmine tea with me. She uses real tea leaves, so I was impressed...

After dinner we went to the Natural Science / Pitt Rivers Museum for a night event called "In a Different Light"....The highlight was watching Tibetan Monks do a dance and a prayer chant. I've never seen anything like it and their clothes were just amazingly ornate and their hats were huge! As I obviously am having a hard time describing this well, I've just included pictures....and here's an article from the Oxford website

Blah.

I have not felt like writing.

anything.

For an academic program that revolves around weekly essays and little more- this is not a good thing. Nor is it good for a blog site which can't exist unless I do something worth writing about. I've have tried to analyze myself - and respond accordingly, but nothing I've rationalized seems to make me feel like doing anything. I could be lazy. I could be a bit burned out. I could just be uninterested-or interested in other things. I could be homesick. I could just be ready to move to whatever is suppose to come next......Or I could just blame it all on the weather...it has been raining for a week now.

For the sake of the value of my last four weeks...and for this blog, lets hope that I become motivated to do SOMETHING. otherwise I will have to resort to talking about the weather some more i guess......


It's not that I'm not getting the work done. I am. But I'm not working nearly as intensely as I did last term. And because International relations is very specific in terms of historical events, it is not good for me to come to a tutorial just not knowing things. This is what happened last Tuesday. My topic was NATO. I read everything Lee told me to. I understood the concepts and the challenges.....but when it came to writing the essay I just didn't get the answer right. I tried to look more broadly and theoretically as he suggested...and instead I turned out far too broad and still missing the theory part altogether.

Now, I have decided to do better this week....but like I said, I feel as though I 've lost most of my interest in working on it altogether. I know that this has to be my perfectionism creeping in again. It has to be. I'm afraid that if I work the amount that I would to try to get it right....I may still get it wrong....and no matter what there is no way I'm going to know all that I should to just pop off examples that Lee is looking for in the tutorial. This subject is getting as hard as I will let it become....and at times like this I wish there were some moderation about me. At least then I could half way try. Instead I know that I will continue to just completely slack....or I'm going to obsess over my essay for a full 6 days and still stress over it when its done. I thought I had achieved some sort of balance...but I realize now I was just relying on my previous knowledge of the topic to allow me to work less...now the material is relatively unfamiliar...and I seem to be backing down. Probably doesn't make for the most intriguing blog subject. But I feel as though I need to recognize my need to get with the program before I get to the end and wonder why I wasted the time.

Right. It's only worth as much as I'm willing to work on it.

So, in an attempt for inspiration I attended the Elizabeth Colson lecture last evening associated with the Center for Refugee Studies. Mark Duffield presented a talk on Development Emergency...or rather the emergencies that occur with underdevelopment. Duffield was an Oxfam Representative in Sudan in the late 80's and is now at the University of Bristol. The talk was interesting enough...but what I love the most is the response of the people in the room. This lecture isn't a typical weekly lecture for students. Its more of a special event catering to researchers who have been working on these topics for ages. The dialogue going on between Duffield and the adults presents was really above my level of understanding most of the time. The crowd, even though they agreed with some of his work, were just incredibly harsh on an level that could only be witnessed in such scholarly settings.... The critiques when beyond basic "left vs. right wing" debate to a this theoretical analysis of what his arguments for development contained....and I wondered how nerve racking it must be to deliver a lecture to people who have been involved in this research to an equal extent. Of course this seemed to be no trouble for the speaker. One of the men in the crowd was part of the Tsunami response evaluation committee so he felt the need to bring that to the table...and others in the room would bring their own research into their challenges to Marks' paper as well. Most of it was beyond anything I could really understand fully, but I found the dialogue fascinating and also a reminder of just how much I don't know about the topic I am to major in.

Political studies just offers endless topics for debate.....and whats truly interesting to me is that the issues of real significance seem to be locked away in rooms of these lectures cared for only by scholars and researchers in the field. Not that the big issues we get hung up on for voting aren't important...I think its just interesting to see what becomes priority when shaping political choices in general. Because the truth is that the idea of "development" would not even cross my mind were I not studying politics -well, aside from the realization that poverty exists. Beyond that, everything I know politically would still circle around healthcare, taxes, etc. I hate that I don't have an opinion on some of the topics I'm convering becuase I never have have been challenged to consider the issue. Development is just one of these. Even though I study politics, I generally don't blog about it basically because most people find it boring or just have a very solid opinion about it anyway... I have to admit that I find most of the popular debates overdone between people who aren't going to compromise anyhow. But beyond abortion, and the death penalty, and gun laws and all of these topics that it seem to ground the political perspectives of most people I have met....there are some issues that are more than relevant and demand more attention than simply the debates of well-experienced scholars using jargon that prevents a simple mind like mine from taking part in the discussion.....

Why was I a junior in college before I grasped the reality of human trafficking? Why can I not understand the intricacies of a debate on facilitating or giving up on development as a response to the third world?

Okay, well now that I have succeeded in boring myself in a political discussion that I promised never to have on my blog.......i can get back to the business of reading for my next question "Why is Security such a Contested Concept?".

hmm...i didn't realize it was.

just kidding.

Dahby Day

Derby Day just isn't the same in England. I heard the queen even left and went to Kentucky to join in the excitement. But I didn't miss out on all the fun. No, because my friend Celia had her birthday party last Saturday...which I considered to be a Cinco de Mayo/Derby/Birthday celebration.

While I may not come home with an English accent, I have learned a thing or two about words while I've been here...for starters it is the Kentucky "DAHby".....Kristie and I tried to explain that the correct term is Derby...but it all just came out Deerrrrby when Celia was repeating it..and I have agreed that the "ah" sounded much better than all that...

Our friend Sarah hosted the BBQ at her house. It was my first bbq while I've been here and it was Celia's first birthday BBQ -so an exciting time for all. The food was amazing, of course..and I ate until I was miserable. We had KousKous with our grilled chicken, hamburges, and suasage...and I've wondered why we don't have kouskous in the states...it is pretty good if it is cook right.

I always love going to Sarah's house. First, I love hearing her tell of south africa. Second, I love being in an actual home everynow and then.

The day was absolutely perfect for a dahby. We spent all of our time outside in the sun in Sarahs backyard/garden. She has a little greenhouse that I thought was just amazing. And I've decided that I want a little green house in my backyard one day.

Also, we played croquet! This seems to be a very Oxford thing as Regent's has croquet set up in the quad all of the time now. I remember playing on an old set when I was really young-but I truly can't remember the rules- none of us were really great at is so we just spent most of the time taking pictures.......yeah, check them out

It was a nice saturday all around. Cinco de Dahbirthday. sure.

MayDay Madness

View my MayDay Photo Album

Do people actually celebrate may day?

Well, at Oxford university they do. It is a huge tradition here at 6 am for everyone in Oxford to gather in front of Magdalen College to listen to the boys choir sing and bring in the spring with a little bit of liturgy.

No, students don't wake up at the crack of dawn for this tradition. Actually, they stay out all night at their formal balls, bops, or other parties - and stammer on to Magdelen bridge still decked out in tuxes , gowns, and highheels from the night before. The stanley road housemates were not part of this crew- we actually woke up around 4:30 am to cycle to the city center for the grand event. Aside from my few 6am rowing practices, this was the earliest I had ventured outside as the starting of the day rather than an end to it-

The street was packed full of students and adults alike. It was a beautiful morning for a May Day celebration, but I couldn't believe the number of people that had stayed awake all night for it. Alli and I somehow got behind Matt, Taylor and Tyler to the point where we couldn't find them anymore- but we managed to find a spot to stand directly infront of the tower to hear the singing.

The singing was nice, but short. I could tell many of the students had never been as they seemed a bit dissappointed that the church hadn't shot off fireworks or done something more bizarre than a modest scripture reading and few songs. I guess the hype with this event is really about what happens afterwards. Apparently students in past years have just haul themselves off of Magdalen bridge into the river below-which is not too high this time of year. Because of the enourmous amount of injuries in the past, police have to close down the bridge to protect the students from....themselves.....

Photo from this year's event- bbc

(read a 2005 article on it here. Crazy Stuff.)

I can't imagine why anyone would continue jump off a bridge when people are obviously breaking legs and scraping themselves up...It gives a new perspective on that whole "jumping off a bridge if your friend does" analogy....it seems Oxford students will at least say yes for the sake of May Day.


Oxford students, as expected, are not to be underestimated. The tradition of bridge jumping continued this year by a faithful few who just waited until the police had gone.....


Aside from the early morning excitement, I witnessed some strange singing groups dressed in green.....drummers on the street....and a fire juggling guy dressed as a jester...

I had to get on to my tutorial though, so I couldn't stay around for all the festivities. My meeting last Tuesday went pretty well again. This week we discussed Neoliberalism and Constructivist theories- nothing to get to excited about as far as my blogging is concerned. I celebrated the end of another week with my first visit to the Westgate Mall.



I wasn't excited enough to jump off any bridges or anything.

Black Coffee

Oxford has fastforwarded my life by 10 years.

This is the conclusion Kristie and I have reached as we begin our final month of life in England. First of all, we have each embarked on a new series of cooking experiences. While left to my own resources over break, I moved from the reliable pasta dish to discover the endless possibilities of a potato. I guess that isn't so noteworthy. But then I made a casserole. And I found myself spending half of my day looking up recipes and cooking...and the other half enjoying whatever creations Kristie and I came up with. While the end of break has left me with much less motivation for getting too creative with food- I still find myself getting excited over figuring out a new use for my block of cheddar or that long grain white rice .....

I'm jealous of Kristie. She studies Art history- so instead of spending an afternoon cooped in a library she gets to look at stained glass windows in some of the colleges around her. She also only has 4 essays due this term-the rest of her tutorials being a more hands on art experience with her tutor- like a visit to Christ Church. I've decided I'm an easily influenced person as her relaxed nature is rubbing off on me- and for some reason I feel like I can just spend a day lazily chatting it up with K-dog (this is my new title for her) in the coffee shop or on some random field trip we decide to make.

Last Thursday we couldn't decide what to do- so instead of reading we baked Peanut Butter Cookies. We found a recipe for these cookies which only required three ingredients! That's right. Not only are we solving our motivation issues by eating- but we have reached the stage of life were the excitement is more in the act of cooking.

Another day we visited the Christ Chruch dining hall (the same dining Hall used for the Harry Potter movies) We've been waiting a while to do this so were thrilled to go inside and check out all the dining perks of the Christ Chruch students. It was incredibly impressive. They have lamps going down the tables, proper place mats with menus printed on them- and they even have juice!!- not just water.

Now, all of this may not seem to justify my feeling older than I should. Anyone can bake a casserole if they are hungry enough. And most college students will find some way to put off work. (Like right now, I'm blogging) But the kicker comes in the things that are completely contrary to anything that seems to identify me as Jennifer Martin.

1. I drank black coffee the other day, not to stay awake, just because I simply didn't bother to add milk or sugar. Black coffee is something I did not envision myself EVER consuming. And if I were to drink it, I certainly would have to be thirty with a regular career demanding a caffeine fix each morning. Kristie has also confessed to this.

2. I have consistently felt the need to go to bed before 10 pm for more than a couple of weeks now. I cannot discuss this any further as the shock of it alone may have already sent many of my past room mates into fits of worry over me.

3. I take multi-vitamins. (Kristie steals hers from Tyler)

4. The whole booking flights and just up and going to Paris for the weekend or hopping on a bus to London still freaks me out. I keep wondering if I would let my daughter do that at my age if I have one-and I keep thinking there is no way I would trust for things to work out for this person that doesn't even exist. What's even more strange is that everything with our travel plans have worked out. We didn't get mugged or pick pocketed or anything crazy. The hostels actually existed. And we visited a TON of museums, cathedrals, and the best art in the world. One day when I get around to blogging about Paris you will realize how nerdy Kristie and I really are. Anyhow, basically the entire travel bit makes me wonder how my parents stood not knowing where I was half of the time for 5 weeks.

5. I have noticed that I've encountered fewer disasters as of late that would normally result from my scattered mind. Either I'm just not getting out enough for things to happen...or I may actually be getting some form of ordered system going on. Now that Ive said this who knows what will come up.


Okay, well, this is all for now on the matter of my behavior that should place me well beyond the age of 21. All is not lost- one thing I have not out grown is my outstanding procratination ability. Of course, the fact that I condsider writing a grand alternative to ...well, writing....that is just another issue in itself.

Spring is My Favorite

I finally got some pictures together of Spring time at Regent's Park college.

Click Here if you would rather look at pictures of spring than do work.

Something I enjoy...there's a thought

Now that I'm nearing a full four months of life in England, I find myself needing to write less often about the novelty of things I see- and more about just general life reflections that could probably occur anywhere.

Although - I did find it strange to see two gigantic horses carrying traffic patrol officers through the streets of Oxford the other day- something I also saw in London- and I wondered whether horses are more effective for police transportation or if they are just there to impress simple minds like mine as I pass by on my squeaky bicycle. I guess no one is going to mess with a guy on such a lovable animal, especially here- and certainly traffic will slow down just for a good look if nothing else right? The horses makes the day glow vests of fluorescent yellow worn by the police seem a bit unnecessary.

Anyhow, this is why I can't think too much about Oxford novelties.

Tonight, I went to a very American Mexican Fiesta!! I was so thrilled because this is the first Mexican food I've eaten since coming to England. Mexican food doesn't really exist around here for obvious reasons that I never would have considered before coming. Indian is the popular spicy alternative to traditional British food. One of the graduate students from Regent's brought the necessary spices back from his home in California - and since my friend Caitlan is a member of the MCR (graduate group) I was given an invite to the festivities.

The guys' flat was the most modern house I've been in here. And it seems that most, or a good many, of the ministerial graduates here are from America. Top that with tortillas and Kelly Clarkson on the itunes and I felt as though I could have been right back in Georgetown in one of the East Campus apartments- a very good evening-

One of the things I enjoyed was talking to Carly, who is from California/Washington State. She studied here as a visiting student before graduate studies- so she could relate very well to my experience of coming junior year- She shared some interesting effects when going back home that I really haven't considered yet ( missing out on inside jokes, drama with friend, changes in relationships etc.) We seemed to have had a lot in common - interest in ethics or other abstract thought subjects, and most of all the experience of perplexity over which direction to choose out of so many interests- and that concern over "making a valuable contribution to the world" She actually studies Old Testament Ethics- and talked of continuing on in academia in research even though she struggled with it perhaps being a little selfish to do so-

She balanced this however, with some advice from her high school calculus teacher who told her that infamous "do something you enjoy" - but not in the interest of just being satisfied in life- but also because it creates the best possibility for making that valuable contribution to the world.

Do something you enjoy.

It's a very simple advice. One that I've been given many times- but I'm not sure I have often considered it in terms of allowing me to contribute to the world more effectively. As a Christian I'm always weighing out what my motives are- money, success vs. altruistic service to society and God- and then as a student I try to find that balance between pleasing "others"(who may just be the standards I put in my mind) or just learning what interests me to the best of my ability- When I try to sort it out between how much and what kind of "selfishness" is reasonable or necessary to allow me to make the best contribution -well it all just gets garbled in my mind. I need to just stick to simply "doing something I enjoy" - that is what I think until I realize I just haven't narrowed things in life down to that point. I feel as though I could be happy doing so many different things. Well, that's what I say now. I wonder if in year I will be happy going to more school :)

I am glad when I meet people like me who have eventually found a way into their vocation. It reassures me that one way or another things will work out, and at the end of the day God provides in ways that I just can't see coming. At the moment, going home from Oxford makes me a little anxious- because I can't have an excuse for not making a few decisions that just have to be made within the next year. I remember feeling anxious about college decisions and then things just fell into place with Georgetown and I felt right about it. I'm sure this is how most things go- but at the moment it doesn't make the mystery of my next path any less daunting. I guess it is exciting too...


I am such a typical college student. When everything is said and done, that's just the simple truth. People tell me that one day you grow up and dreams of that "contributing to the world" and "doing what you enjoy" thing just melts into this 9 to 5 reality of not having weekends off anymore. Those promises make me dread the next decade. That's why I have to write down conversations like the ones I had tonight- well, that and the fact that its helping me to avoid the "dreadful" essay writing a little longer.....which interestingly enough I would not often admit to enjoy.....

I Couldn't Predict that One

I'm am not that kind of girl who's full of surprises. Generally, people who know me well can probably predict my behavior and my reactions to almost everything. I run "right on time" (or late) for most things. I find it hard to keep up with essential life items. Things that make me angry generally include "special" treatment- with cutting in line topping my list of the most intolerable of offenses. I overanalyze most situations-and therefore am hardly ever able to be surprised even when its supposed to be for fun. And above all, I generally obsess about my work performance to the point of becoming the single greatest threat to my own health.

On Sunday night I surprised myself by actually going to bed the night before my essay was due.

This event is still unexplainable to me, but around 3am I just decided that I could go to sleep and finish the following day. I keep trying to reason out why I was so eased about the entire writing process this first week of Trinity term, but as nothing has provided much of an answer, I'm just going to hope that it is a sign of habits to come for the next 7 weeks.

My papers are due on Mondays now...something I first thought may be horrible as it destroys my concept of "weekend" However, as I have completed my first tutorial and the first week of Trinity, I feel that this will make my weeks seem a little longer and help me to be more productive with out just checking out intellectually on the days right after my paper is due. After all, there is nothing much on a Wednesday or Thursday to completely distract me from working here. Everyone is working so it seems like the thing for me to do to. Hopefully this will put me at a better pace for getting my essays written. We will see.

My topic this term is International Relations, and my tutor is a grad student from Nuffield College. I was completely terrified of what my first tutorial would bring, but all went surprisingly well in the meeting. We discussed the first major competing theories of IR and he was really good about identifying exactly what I needed to grasp about each concept- and asked a ton of questions to help me come about the answers as much on my own as possible. I feel like my understanding of history is pretty weak, but I knew a lot more than I thought I would about the concepts and their applications to post-cold war issues. Hopefully with some reading I'll improve on that throughout the term. It seems this tutor is going to focus more heavily on my understanding of the topics and my ability to discuss...whereas last term Seth focused primarily on improving my ability to write argumentatively and how to construct a logical essay.

To celebrate the end of my first tutorial session, I went to a cafe in Waterstone's bookstore with Kristie and had a blueberry/blackberry smoothie. We both agreed that when we leave we will definitely miss the atmosphere we've been able to enjoy in Oxford. The bookstore is three stories and the cafe has the perfect view of Cornmarket Street- which is the pedestrian/shopping area in the middle of Oxford. People watching is always an interesting activity- especially with the eclectic bunch of people that find their way to Oxford.

Break's Over

This morning the message came from the label of my hair strengthening shampoo bottle- Break's Over. How appropriate.

As I participated in my first Formal Hall of Trinity Term last night, I knew for certain that break indeed is over now- no amount of procrastination or sleeping can allow me to avoid it any longer. Formal hall was exciting this 0th (naught) week as everyone is returning from home and sharing exciting stories from break and in general just being happy to see one another again. It is a completely different atmosphere for me compared to the first week last term now that I know everyone and can share the excitement of reuniting for another 8 weeks before summer.

After formal hall we always have some type of social thing in the JCR- since everyone has collections to work on- it was a very laid back Krispy Kreme dessert night. I thnk that's the first doughnut I've had since way before coming to Oxford. So I was pretty excited about it.

Sometime I will get around to posting more about travels. It may take me the entire 8 weeks to find that point.

What I've been Missing

I think it may take me a few months to get over the fact that I'm so happy about spring being here. I realized another beautiful thing about this season tonight as I rode my bike home from dinner in daylight. I didn't realize how much I had taken forgranted daylight after 4pm. The popular phrase states "you don't know what you have until it's gone" - But in this case, I suppose I didn't realize what I've been missing!! I've certainly slowed the pace down on my bike now that there are so many pretty things to distract me with.

The past few days have renewed my appreciation for this old town. I know it will hands down be one the most beautiful places I've had the chance to study in. That's what I thought about today in the library as I sat by a glass wall with a river just a few feet away on the other side. That's right. I made it to the library today. Unfortunately I had a little trouble staying awake through the book on "International Society" theories. But at least it was a start. And since it was so pretty outside, I rewarded myself for waking up with a walk by that river before a second attempt at becoming a scholar again. The 5 weeks of rest have maybe been too good for me. I feel like I'm at summer camp now or something- for smart kids. Kind of like Governor's Scholars was except I actually have to do work now. The temptation to just go to the park or spend the afternoon punting may win in the end I'm afraid.

I love being here- but a lot of important things are coming up back home that I hate to miss out on! My sorority formal was last weekend. Easter was a little different with out the entire family- and soon it will be my sister's birthday!! I can't believe she will be 23.

Then there is the Georgetown Graduation. I hadn't put much thought about it until today because I just realized it is happening in just 3 weeks! My way of coping with being away has generally consisted of becoming absorbed in what is around me rather than what is at home- but it is truy difficult to avoid thinking about all of my friends who are graduating before I return. I guess this is the first year that I will be saying farewell to some very close friends- and it is hard to imagine that I won't actually be getting to see them off at all! There are always hopes of visiting again but growing up in a boarding school I've pretty much learned to accept the realities that come with people needing to move on. Even when it's a bit sad to face.

I guess that is why my sister and I became so close over the years. Somewhere along the way she became my only constant -not just in the existence of our friendship but also her ideals and morals and all that goes along with knowing who she was and wanted to be - she's always had that kind of stability that frustrated me to no end when I wanted to be left to my constant questioning and truly did not want the advice that would have served me well. Even now her constant presence seems to hold as something I depend on - save the fact that she will be living 7 hours away from me when I get home. Eh, she still won't be able to get rid of me.

Ah, but then- there is Mother's Day. But I've got that taken care of. I gave mom italian chocolate for mother's day when she came to visit me. Why so early?, mom asked. Well, for some reason I thought that mother's day happened before she even arrived here -sometime in March. Apparently so did my housemate Kristie (she wrote about this here), so I don't feel too bad. Well, we were both feeling pretty stupid until our housemates told us that the Mother's day in England IS celebrated in March. I was wondering why all the cards were out 3 months early!! So at least I'm somewhere in between late and early for something. I still hate to miss that though.

I'm not sure why I got off on all the things I will be missing. I think I meant to direct this post into the idea of things that I seem to take forgranted- and have recently been reminded of lately one way or another. Tragedies seem to consuming everything lately. Yesterday I rode my bike into town and the road was blocked where a student had been hit on his bike and died less than an hour earlier. It is particularly disturbing as I ride my bike through that intersection everyday probably just as carelessly as the next person. I am sad for my friends here who knew him. The v-tech thing is weighing heavily on my mind as well. It's not really something I can even attempt to talk or write about. I am reminded of the importance of prayer, my dependence on Christ, my own unfaithfulness, His mercy and constant presence.

The campus minister of my former high school posted a podcast on his website which helped me sort things a bit. I encourage anyone who may appreciate a good take on the subject from a Christian viewpoint to take time to listen to it (just 26 minutes)

Just click below :)
InternetMonk Podcast from internetmonk.com

April 19

Springtime

I arrived back from Paris this morning to discover Spring has found its way to Oxford. Everything looks so gorgeous and new and the weather today has been brilliant. It seems as though this holiday has brought many challenges to the Georgetowners here in Oxford- perhaps spring will make everything a little easier on all of us. Days just seem easier to face when the sun is shining.

Oxford has now become the picture that I imagined it should be. On my outing for rowing today I was amazed to see swans up and down the Thames and all kinds of people on punting boats to join the many rowing crews. I could get used to this.

From Muhlenburg County to Bath

On Sunday morning it was nice to wake up to breakfast made by my mom. It seems like so so long since I've been able to do that.

Today we were going to the ancient city of Bath. Ryan and his family happened to be going too! We happened to spot them on the train and decided to tag along with them for the day. The train was so crowded that mom, dad, and I all had to sit in separate places where ever we could find a seat. Dad ended up sitting with a man and his two young daughters. When he told them he was going to visit the Roman baths one of he little girls responded "the Roman soldiers killed Jesus. They put nails in his hands" And so the story of Easter was presented to my father on his first ever train ride from an unlikely source that morning.

Hanging around with Ryan's family was great. First, I was happy that Dad finally had someone to chat it up with. Second, I was happy to not have to be the lone tour guide-especially since it was my first time in that city. Ryan has been a few times because he has friends there. So it was nice not to have to think about which direction to go from the train station and how to find where I was on a map. And in general, it was just a nice relaxing day with good company in a city that wasn't too demanding on inexperience tourist like ourselves.

The day was absolutely gorgeous and Bath is just breathtaking. At first when mom and I saw the light gray houses lined on the hill from the train we didn't realize that was our destination! The town is really quaint but it looks so elegant because all of the buildings and the pavements are made from the same stone. The main square was full of people and as we passed through were greeted by Bath Abby...which is just beautiful.

We were also greeted by a Australian street magician/ entertainer who proceeded to draw his stage our with chalk and invited via blowing a whistle to watch his performance. Now, I am not a person who will generally watch such things...I guess I just feel that if I came to see the city there's no reason to waste time on a guy who is going to ask me for money in return for a few tricks. But Mom and Dad went right on up to the chalk line and we were given front row access to the show. I have to say, it was pretty hilarious and I actually enjoyed it- Ryan's dad became an active participant and even dared to throw fiery torches around!!
Now, all of this was entertaining- but when the guy ended up on a unicycle in a pink tutu decorated with strategically placed red hearts -- well, I still just don't know what to make of it. It was good to see mom and dad really enjoying it

If the cross dressing unicycling knife juggling Australian wasn't enough, then the next street entertainment sealed the deal for Dad martin. We hadn't even gone 100 meters from the last performance when we entered this square of people on benches and all alone in the middle was a guy singing and playing an acoustic guitar. Fine enough...and like good tourists we walked right in the middle of this empty square right next to the guy...who just HAPPENED to be singing none other than "take me back to Muhlenburg County".....Dad couldn't resist when he heard and right as we passed him he looks at the guy and shouts "I'm From There!" The guy just kept on singing like Dad didn't even exist...he probably didn't even hear him. So we continued to the other side of the square....but Dad was just too excited to leave and took Ryan's dad back into the middle of the Square to receive an up-close serenading of Muhlenburg County. Because he really had no experience with English currency, I doubt Dad even knows how much money he gave the guy. Seeing dad so mesmerized by hearing a song from our home state was better than the magic show itself.

We found a great spot to eat that offered Sunday Roast for less than 5 pounds each. The Litten. The food was the traditional English style similar to what I've had at Oxford and tasted wonderful. My favorite thing here is the "new potatoes" which are prepared to be crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. They are great.

Next we explored the Roman Baths which is basically the reason that Bath ended up being established as anything around 60AD. It was hard to grasp the fact that this place wasn't just old-but ancient...and I can only imagine how amazing it must have seemed when they were discovered to exist under a neighborhood of houses....even more exciting is the thought that there is no telling how many more baths or Roman ruins there are under the rest of the city that exists today. Seeing steam rise from the waters was a surprise as I had never been to a hot spring before.
It really is just amazing to see the system for water and heated floors and quality
pampering that the Romans had in place so long ago. I think it is just hard not to underestimate the minds of the past - even though they are the reason for whatever new technologies and research we are capable of today- we see ourselves as so developed. It makes me wonder what future generations will think. Like us, I'm guessing they will grow up thinking they have such a better grasp on how government should work, new technology, etc. and because of that they are superior somehow in mind, capabilities- It is a bit humbling to realize that my mind is no greater than that of one 2000+ years ago, as I have no responsibility for the resources available to me- and that thought leads me to think of the cultures existing today which function on a system comparable to one so long ago- either by choice or just circumstance- my abilities are not really any greater at the most basic level that exist with out the convenience of whatever past brilliant people have handed down.

Our tour of the baths was followed by a nice walk along the river, a stop for a postcard, and a farewell to Ryan's family for the day. We enjoyed Cadbury hot chocolate as we waited for the train which was pretty much the most incredible thing for a chocolate lover like me. I guess I just didn't think about Cadbury being from England until Easter arrived and Cabury is everywhere with the cheapest creme eggs I have ever seen. Actually Cadbury is everywhere even before Easter. It's like Hershey's for England. I have to say that is one thing I will miss when I leave. American chocolate just can't compare.

It was well past sundown when we arrived back in Oxford, but Mom was wonderful and cooked an little "Easter dinner" for me! As usual she would say it was nothing special because it wasn't exactly home made-but I was thrilled to have even just a bit of mom's cooking-(complete with canned cranberry sauce which is a requirement for all Easter menus in my life). If she doesn't open a restaurant one day the world will have truly missed out.