A bit from Before

I need to read for my essay.

Instead I'm catching up on my life. I find that writing all of this down has helped me reflect a lot on what I'm actually doing with my time...as opposed to letting each day get away from me as I read my life away... I've always kept a journal of things. I started writing when I was 12 for fear that I would just forget it all at some point and my children would have no way of knowing who I was- It is strange that I would think of such things at the age of 12. I remember charting down how many miles I had run for Cross Country or Track practice...what my split was for each 4x400 meter relay competition....I thought I might decided to add all the numbers up one day and see how many miles I'd put on my body. I didn't want to forget what it was like to go through middle school, as much as I think I hated it. I didn't want to forget the names of the people I went to OBI with...since most of them I would never see again. I don't read through my journals often, but when I do it amazes me how much I HAVE forgotten of my life.

I wonder how much I will remember of Oxford. I'm getting to that point in the experience where I'm ready to go home...but also very aware of how permanent "going home" is. Leaving my Oxford friends behind after only a few months of knowing them will be sad. I will handle it because that's what I got used to doing somewhere along the way when I went to boarding school where I did good to keep the same friends for a full school year. The larger reality I'm having to face is leaving my Georgetown friends a year from now. I'm not ready to face that part of life where all the memories have been made and all I'm left with is a "This buddy of mine from college" story. I've been with my friends at Georgetown essentially longer than I have with any other group of people in my life. I think of this often. But I'll put that aside for now.

It is just interesting how much I want to hold on to memories and experiences...and that this is what largely motivates me to write so much. Some of the details are boring, of course. But then again, this blog is probably rarely read word for word by many people other than myself. I can't imagine letting this time of my life slip through the cracks with no record of what I'm going through.

It hit me recently that I can barely remember my last year at Georgetown. I stopped writing in my journal for almost a year. It was as if with each new level of stress I reached, I shyed away from writing about life. Perhaps I didn't want to remember. I wouldn't know now. I sometimes feel like I stop knowing myself when I stop writing. So I have no clue now what my deep reasoning would have been for not recording at least a thought or two down when I experienced what I feel was one of my most difficult years personally....Last fall was especially a difficult time that I'm glad to be far away from now. I remember being so distraught over a few personal issues that I couldn't bring myself to do much school work at all...it wasn't as if I had a ton to do, but I really did stop caring as much as I once did about nearly everything in general. I remember never going to bed before 2 am before my 9 am classes the next day. I remember wishing everyday that time would just go by so that those few months would be only a distant memory. Its funny that the whole time period is now a blur and much of it really is only a distant memory. I guess its good that I don't write about everything. Thinking on those months, Oxford has been a very good escape for me.

While that entire last paragraph seems to have little to do with my experience in Oxford- it really was a significant precursor to my few months here. And it is something that I want to remember to some extent in terms of who I was before coming here. It is strange how people see me as generally a put together person when re-reading my blog I think I portray someone quite a mess...this is why I love to read other people's blogs. It's interesting how some of them focus on points of view, with little emphasis on personal life....and others are almost a moment by moment account of one's daily experience. I've recently been exploring some other blogs from students at Oxford. Some of it, even though my experience as a student here will be limited, I can relate to very much. Some of it...makes me realize why I may never be the academic that I secretly wish came naturally for me....It is nice to know that there are people who care about the same things I care about...And who have a need to express their life experience through writing..to an unknown audience especially. As summer has arrived, I honestly imagine myself writing to no one now. Most of my friends are hopefully nowhere near a computer...most of my family is looking forward to seeing me, rather than spending time on here trying to catch up....

Anyway....this was just one of those notes that I needed to write...to myself..i just realized it has no logical flow or common theme other than my rambling.....if there are still people reading this thing...thanks for bearing with me and "one of my moments"