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Not as interesting as my Oxford travel- but life continues...

Final Days are Fleeting

Monday June 18


Well, its 2 am on my last day in Oxford. January seems like such a long time ago but I still can't help but think how quickly it all has seemed to pass by - especially these past two weeks which I have had barely anytime to mention.


Tonight was a good night. I stayed up till 4am yesterday trying to get on a bit of an American schedule. So much of today was wasted away by the time I woke up. I did some more around the house then went to my last church service at St. Aldates. It was a night for adult Baptism- an Father's day as well- A man from Glasgow Scotland sat next to me - he was really friendly- and he was visiting his daughter who works here in the Radcliffe Infirmary as a nurse. I think I've discovered what I like most about going to church here is that it is one of the few places that random conversations with strangers not associated with my college can happen...I also shook hands with a man who was just elated that his daughter was being Baptized tonight. She looked about my age really, maybe a little younger. He could not wait to tell me that he was here for that, and I suppose I can't imagine a better way to spend father's day. All through the worship, before I even had talked to him, he was so expressive about his excitement- a little more jumpy than I think I will ever be- but he would sing out freely when there was just instrumental music playing, and I believe much of the time he was speaking in tongues or at least some other language. It was genuine and maybe one of the only times I've felt blessed just by listening to someone else praise God. Some times I just feel it is too emotional and exhibitionist like for me to appreciate- but especially after speaking with this man I realized why he may be so expressive in his worship. If God's excitement for me when I choose to follow him is anything close to what this man expressed, then I am certainly encouraged to put more effort into abandoning my nature.

After church I went to Port Meadow with several of the Regents students. It was just a really nice evening..the guys built a little fire- which I was amazed by since it was so wet everywhere. A lot of people are leaving today and then several of us are leaving tomorrow so it was just a nice evening to end a lot of the year. It started to rain- and on the way back my bike chain popped off and wouldn't stay on. I guess the rain was making it worse for my bike chain that needs oil....Ali walked home with me so we had a nice long chat. I baked some cookies when we came back and enjoyed some time in Alanna's room with her and Ali. I will certainly miss my housemates. :)

Hello Summer

My work for Oxford is finally finished.



This last essay came in the middle of all the "end of year" excitement so it was really one of the hardest ones to concentrate on. I tried to read as much as possible thursday and friday because saturday we had our Final Fling and I knew I would be worthless for work. As of Sunday morning I still had 4 sources to go through before finally beginning my writing somwhere around 3am. My topic was to analyze the nature of power using the case of the US. I read for hours on sunday because I really was just unable to develop any kind of outline. Finally I just had to start writing.....I slept from 6 to 8:30 waking up several times. I think I kept dreaming about my topic because I would wake up with an idea but just didn't have the energy to write it down...When I finally got back up I somehow managed to regain focus and my argument ended up coming together much better than I expected. My tutor had some nice comments on it which was a welcomed reassurance for my last week at Oxford. I know that even if my understanding will never match his or a lot of other students around here- I have made a ton of progress in my own knowledge of IR and history. I have always considered my self to be a horrible history person. So I have really surprised myself that I've been able to retain a lot of what I have read and my tutor taught me over the weeks. Confidence may be a point I never get too in my discussions with other people. But it is exciting to feel like I have a solid understanding from which I can develop my opinions.



The tutorial system is so strange. I essentially have only spent 9 hours with my tutor this entire term, counting our first meeting prior to the Easter holiday. Basically at the point I have become adjusted to his teaching and become comfortable asking questions it is already time to move on to the next thing. As usual I spent Monday night in knots over my meeting the next day-whether I would remember what I've read , whether I would have had enough sleep by then to comprehend and speak sensibly...whether I would have come some what close to answering the question correctly. The next morning...I meant to wake up with plenty of time to read over notes and feel awake....but also as usual...I kept resetting my alarm until 10am when it was essential for me to get out of bed to make it on time. I can't believe I have actually been on time for every single tutorial this term. I think that is a life record for me. Part of this must be because my tutor had to meet me at the door outside of his office building- and I just can't imagine what the consequences would be if I just wasn't there waiting when he opened the door. In my mind I imagine him looking outside and immediately going back to his office...say I showed up 3 minutes later....there's no way he would come back down there...and there's no way i would try to find a way up to his office to ask for my tutorial. anyway, maybe that is why I've been on time lately.


The POINT of this is....I can finally stop thinking about all of that stuff. Summer is here. I like it a lot. Especially since its only in the 60s and 70s still...rather than the mini drought that i'm hearing of from back home.

I feel relaxed completely for the first time in a very long time....even last summer I had the pressure in the background that I needed to do reading for Oxford....I'm sure I'll remember all the studying I need to do for the next year when I get home. Until next Tuesday, I feel as though I've completed a 2 year process of work....and I haven't quite yet determined how I really feel about that. I'm sure I'll blog about it later....as in later when I'm studying again and wanting to put off work...

Making my list..Checking off the Days

Tuesday June 5
Im always happy to finished with an essay- and always wish I could leave it at that without having to face the tutorial. I'm not sure why that is, considering they generally end up fine. Last Tuesday's tute was interesting, and I was able to distinguish among theories regarding globalization much better after the hour was over- at least in how I would have liked to discussed them in my essay. I'm still having issues providing emipiracle support, even when my argument makes sense and can be supported. I don't know if this is because I have a natural lack of interest in history versus conceptual or if I have a lack of knowledge to pull from....or perhaps I'm lazy. Either way, that's what I must work on. Just one more.

After the tutorial, as has become my routine...I headed back to the JCR for tea and biscuits with my ipod and one of the sections of the student magazine which requires no thought. I sit there thinking how there is now an endless possibility of things I can do next....my time is finally my own. People generally start filtering in for lunch about 15 or 20 minutes after I sit down, so its a good time for me to catch my breath before I start the week again. This week Amy sat down with me and we had a nice chat. She's a 3rd year who has just finished her exams and is going for her teaching certification next year...that day she was going out with a fried to look in to some of the colleges that she had not been to yet. It's funny to think that I may have seen more of Oxford University than some of the students who are here for a longer amount of time-- I suppose somewhere around a month before one leaves Oxford for good it becomes important to see things. The university a very exclusive environment...with out being a "Member" it is just not easy to see much. This makes sense of course, because there are hundreds and hundred of tourist every day. If they had access to libraries then none of the students would bother going.

Check List
I made a calendar last friday to check off the days I have left. For one, it gives me something to do at the end of the day...and two, it reminds me that I need to get everything in before time gets away!

So this week I've kept fairly busy trying to check off my last bit of things to see do around here. Tuesday I went into St. Johns. They have an expansive back garden that is more immaculate most city parks I've seen in the states . It was so relaxing just to walk around for a little while and enjoy the brief moments before I would start thinking about essays again.

After St. Johns I walked around the corner to Broad Street and decided to stop in the New Bodleian to look my books up on the OLIS (this is the card catalog which I have to go to to find out which libraries have my books and whether or not they are available in the libraries I have access to. All of mine this term have been in the Social Science Library) The New Bodeian is really strict. I had to hand my back pack over to a lady who handed me a wooden block with a number on it. The New Bod is not really all that new. It is at least 50-70 years old. Which, I guess that is still pretty new in Oxford terms. A copy of all of the books ever published in Britain is in possession of the Bod….which they underground kindof beneath Blackwells book store. I read that a conveyor belt thing transfers books under Broad Street from the old bod to the new. It’s a librarians dream I would think. The New Bod definitely is not as impressive in terms of architecture and detail as the old bod. I went to the PPE reading room- which was lined with bookshelves all around the walls and in the middle one long table after another with lamps for the work areas. The ceiling was covered in an interesting geometric type design made of wood though. That was the only really special part of the room. I found the library numbers for my books and headed off.

Religion and Public Policy Lecture
At 5 I attended a Religion and Public Policy Lecture at Regent's park. It was really for the Senior fellows and some of the MCR students. I found it interesting however, as it related to many of the issues I studied in political theory relating to separation of church and state..and multiculturalism issues. I really love to watch the lectures debate with the senior fellows. They are really intense because both come from very well educated points of view. One of the issues discussed involved the teaching of religion in schools- the lecturer commenting on how poor the knowledge in elementary schools is regarding basic elements to Christianity. Its funny that I was not even taught about religion period in elementary school- but his argument was that its very important for children here so that they can understand what they are looking at when they see most artwork from the past centuries and other cultural items-here of course religion is very much tied in with coronations and all that as well- I never really considered the cultural need to know of religions mostly because I was taught the fundamentals of Christianity at such a young age- and then later those of the other world relgions before I was able to view most of the art involving those subjects. Religion is very much the central theme of most of my cultural tours around Europe though- so I can see how the issue of teaching religions could be more tricky around here. Just an interesting outlook on it I've never really thought of because I don't know what it would be like to see a picture of the crucifixtion and not understand what is being depicted. One of the other fellows disagreed that children for the most part don't know these basic things in Britain- I'm not sure how America compares on that....

Back to the Books...Already
After dinner I cycled to the SSL to find my books. Unfortunately they were mostly short loaned, which meant I would have to come back every two days and check them out again. I decided to go ahead and get them since I really needed to read more earlier this week. I always feel nervous walking around the SSL..especially now that I wear flip flops which tend to make that annoying flapping sound. I never really notice it until I’m walking in the library that is so deathly silent…I guess the silence matches the gray walls and the fluorescent lighting..the endless rows of books and study tables. The SSL is really not my favorite place. I think I avoided studying there as much as possible..maybe to my disadvantage. The one good thing is that it is made of mostly glass…so the windows are floor to ceiling and give an excellent view of the little creek near by. Anyhow..I flip flopped around the the JZ section for my last time- happy to be on my last book hunt of the term. Finding the books is always kind of exciting. It makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something just by looking them up on OLIS and then finding them tucked away on the shelves. So much promise of learning exists on the Tuesday after my tute. Unfortunately I know that I am not likely to look at these books again for another couple of days. At least I have them though….reminding me that I’m not quite finished yet.

Effects of An All-Nighter

I love this time of year...when each day is just a little bit longer than the last. It is 8:15 here and the sky is still increadibly blue..the sun is still pretty bright. Sometimes I forget that if I were at home, I would be going on at least the fourth week of summer. Oxford is just in a time of its own, and I still get to enjoy the world of learning for a full week before I turn in my last essay and my summer vacation starts.

The real reason I probably haven't noticed that it is summer is because it does not feel like any summer that I have ever experienced in June. Today I had to wear a jacket riding into town and on the way back in tonight my face actually became cold from the wind. I noticed it even more because I forgot to wear my ipod. I also noticed how loud the cars were as the whizzed by WAY too close for comfort. Seriously, there is no reason for a huge van to need to venture into my bike lane. As if he is not taking up enough of the main road. I feel for the drivers here. I would never know how to handle ALL the cyclists....but I do know that I would want to NOT hit them..starting with an attempt to not drive in the bike lane.

It feels much more like late April...the middle of Track season. It still smells like spring here...and it makes me feel like I have a Meet to go to where I will stress out all night until the gun is shot for the start of the 4x400. I should be spending at least an hour stretching on the the multi-million dollar grass of the infield.

I like this weather. (when it doesn't rain) It is nice to not be miserable in the heat, especially with all the cycling. Plus riding a bike in shorts makes me uncomfortable and self concious. I wore a tank top out for the first time yesterday and felt completely naked. My arms seem longer, and I forgot what it was like to worry over whether I was tan enough or not. Most of the people here I've met are very fine with being white. I'm going to miss that.

I love the fact that there are no mosquitos here.

I hate the fact that there are no fireflies. One of my favorite times of summer was a night in early june when the field behind my house was swarming twinkling lights of the fireflies. My house is at the top of the hill and so there is kind of a miniature valley behind it. It looked like there were millions of them from far away...but sort of the same way that fog doesn't feel like a cloud, when I walked in the middle I only felt surrounded by ten or so.

The days of summer are long here though. Even longer than at home. Last night the sky was still somewhat blue as of 10 o'clock. It is dark soon after, but around 3:30 the shades of blue return and by 4 am the birds become as bothersome as having a single cricket trapped in my room. I can't see the sun from my room...but by 4:30 it may as well tomorrow. I know these things because lately my body feels the need to live on some strange schedule in a time zone somewhere over the Atlantic. I haven't been to bed before 4 am in at least 4 or 5 days. Obviously, I sleep in late as well. Last night I didn't go to bed so I'm hoping to be back on track this week. Although, I have considered the benefits of staying on this pattern in avoiding jet lag when I return 2 weeks from tomorrow. But it just isn't natural- or easy- to fall asleep when the birds are singing.

Sen Lecture

Whenever I start blogging, I keep remembering things that I need to make sure I put in here before I go home and don't care about keeping this thing up anymore.

Yesterday I felt like a good little Oxford scholar...attending a whopping TWO lectures.

The first was a Sustainable Development Law conference at Exeter college. I expected lots of graduates..maybe some undergrads to be there. Instead there maybe 4 other students there, 2 of which were running the thing...and one of the girls already had her Law degree from Berkeley and a husband who is a UN Peacekeeper. Her name was Cinnamon. She was surprised when I told her I was from Ky because she actually lived in Dry Ridge (less than an hour from Georgetown) while working at University of Cincinnati for a while. It is certainly crazy the people you will meet.

The speaker was from Brazil. She discussed Environmental Law..and how to help sustainable development work in the future basically. I've never really given much thought to environmental law. I'm from an Agricultural background so you would think it would be the first thing I thought about....The conference was interesting enough..I was the only undergrad there so a lot of it was definitely over my head. I got a grasp on some of the issues though to think of for later.

The next exciting event of the day was a lecture in the Sheldonian by Amyrta Sen, professor of Economics from Havard University. I read Sen for my theories of politics course last term- his lecture was titles "What Theory of Justice"....Events like this help me to appreciate how many people are just thinking about issues for essentially their entire lives. Sen is one of the most respected scholars in political theory...he has a Nobel prize in economics....and he's still writing, researching....it just goes on forever doesn't it.

One of the most debated parts in the theories of justice is the idea of the "Impartial Spectator". Is it possible to ever consider the needs of a wider community over that of your family, friends, compatriots? Part of me wants to believe that it could happen....part of me doesn't see how it ever could.

A bit from Before

I need to read for my essay.

Instead I'm catching up on my life. I find that writing all of this down has helped me reflect a lot on what I'm actually doing with my time...as opposed to letting each day get away from me as I read my life away... I've always kept a journal of things. I started writing when I was 12 for fear that I would just forget it all at some point and my children would have no way of knowing who I was- It is strange that I would think of such things at the age of 12. I remember charting down how many miles I had run for Cross Country or Track practice...what my split was for each 4x400 meter relay competition....I thought I might decided to add all the numbers up one day and see how many miles I'd put on my body. I didn't want to forget what it was like to go through middle school, as much as I think I hated it. I didn't want to forget the names of the people I went to OBI with...since most of them I would never see again. I don't read through my journals often, but when I do it amazes me how much I HAVE forgotten of my life.

I wonder how much I will remember of Oxford. I'm getting to that point in the experience where I'm ready to go home...but also very aware of how permanent "going home" is. Leaving my Oxford friends behind after only a few months of knowing them will be sad. I will handle it because that's what I got used to doing somewhere along the way when I went to boarding school where I did good to keep the same friends for a full school year. The larger reality I'm having to face is leaving my Georgetown friends a year from now. I'm not ready to face that part of life where all the memories have been made and all I'm left with is a "This buddy of mine from college" story. I've been with my friends at Georgetown essentially longer than I have with any other group of people in my life. I think of this often. But I'll put that aside for now.

It is just interesting how much I want to hold on to memories and experiences...and that this is what largely motivates me to write so much. Some of the details are boring, of course. But then again, this blog is probably rarely read word for word by many people other than myself. I can't imagine letting this time of my life slip through the cracks with no record of what I'm going through.

It hit me recently that I can barely remember my last year at Georgetown. I stopped writing in my journal for almost a year. It was as if with each new level of stress I reached, I shyed away from writing about life. Perhaps I didn't want to remember. I wouldn't know now. I sometimes feel like I stop knowing myself when I stop writing. So I have no clue now what my deep reasoning would have been for not recording at least a thought or two down when I experienced what I feel was one of my most difficult years personally....Last fall was especially a difficult time that I'm glad to be far away from now. I remember being so distraught over a few personal issues that I couldn't bring myself to do much school work at all...it wasn't as if I had a ton to do, but I really did stop caring as much as I once did about nearly everything in general. I remember never going to bed before 2 am before my 9 am classes the next day. I remember wishing everyday that time would just go by so that those few months would be only a distant memory. Its funny that the whole time period is now a blur and much of it really is only a distant memory. I guess its good that I don't write about everything. Thinking on those months, Oxford has been a very good escape for me.

While that entire last paragraph seems to have little to do with my experience in Oxford- it really was a significant precursor to my few months here. And it is something that I want to remember to some extent in terms of who I was before coming here. It is strange how people see me as generally a put together person when re-reading my blog I think I portray someone quite a mess...this is why I love to read other people's blogs. It's interesting how some of them focus on points of view, with little emphasis on personal life....and others are almost a moment by moment account of one's daily experience. I've recently been exploring some other blogs from students at Oxford. Some of it, even though my experience as a student here will be limited, I can relate to very much. Some of it...makes me realize why I may never be the academic that I secretly wish came naturally for me....It is nice to know that there are people who care about the same things I care about...And who have a need to express their life experience through writing..to an unknown audience especially. As summer has arrived, I honestly imagine myself writing to no one now. Most of my friends are hopefully nowhere near a computer...most of my family is looking forward to seeing me, rather than spending time on here trying to catch up....

Anyway....this was just one of those notes that I needed to write...to myself..i just realized it has no logical flow or common theme other than my rambling.....if there are still people reading this thing...thanks for bearing with me and "one of my moments"