Finally, a Breakthrough

Last week seemed like one continuous day of reading, writing, and rowing. After last week's paper that seemed to be just a complete disaster I was determined to at least produce an essay that was on the same level as what I had the first two weeks. And if after all of this my essay did not turn out any better than before, I was just going to consent to the fact that I couldn't do any better. Right. Because there's no reason to have unrealistic expectations if its obvious that my best will just only allow me to reach a certain level.

This week I tried to compare my research and writing to one of my cross country races...because in a race I could find a comfortable pace that I could just run forever at, and while I would cross the finish line in a decent amount of time, I wouldn't likely be any faster than the last time or be competitive as a racer. Once I found that pace that got me in the top 10 I realized that making say to the top 3 required a painful amount of effort. In other words, if it did not burn then I probably wasn't going to get a top time or placing.

So, thinking back to some of those races that I actually won, and remembering how much I had to push to actually go from a satisfactory top 10 position to a first helped motivate me to make it burn this week- intellectually speaking....because I just could not stand another tutorial with my tutor telling me I had reached a "Plateau" and wasn't improving. What could be worse seriously, then being told that you don't seem to be able to do any better than you are.

I finished all my reading this week before wednesday, which gave me much more time to think about the issue-this week it was Distributive Justice. Although it was still 10pm wednesday night before I had anything substantial written. And even though I started more than 12 hours earlier writing than usual, it still took me until 5 pm then next day before I was finished. I sometimes wonder if my mid essay writing blocks are a psychological obstacle, or if I seriously just can't write as time-efficiently as other people. In essence, this essay took me a good 15 hours from the time I actually put words on the paper.

At 5:00 when I was finishing up and looking back over it, I was just so fed up with writing it and trying to improve it that it all seemed pretty much like the biggest mess I had ever made of a paper. Knowing that there was not much more I could have done to improve it, yet realizing that this best effort still might not have produced any higher quality of results just gave me the worst gut feeling.

When I went in the tutorial on Friday, I explained the parts that I thought I struggled with and the parts I thought I had improved upon, like I normally do. And I was relieved when my tutor said that I had earned a first on this one. A couple of thoughts went through my head with this. First, I was so exhausted from the week, and still so critical of my work that even the approval of my essay just didn't seem to excite me as much as I thought it would. Secondly, I thought of the overwhelming reality that I have now set the standard for my papers to where receiving less than that will be a huge dissappointment- so as much work as I put out last week- I have to continue with equal if not more work on after this. Thankfully, I have regained some motivation to do the work since it actually makes a difference and I actually can improve. I think that is what I am the most relieved to have discovered. Yet, it is still a daunting task and it won't come easy. Having a bit of affirmation in my abilities as a student was a welcomed and refreshing experience. Even if I'm not able to perform as well as I want to in the upcoming weeks, at least I will have completed one satisfactory essay.

As decent as my essay was this time, my actual performance in the tutorial left much to be desired. Though I had spent all night writing and constructing my arguments, I somehow couldn't verbalize any of this. So now my tutor wants me to develop summaries of my arguments that I will present when I arrive in the tutorials. As I sat there across the table I wanted so badly to express the arguments that I felt like I understood in my mind. Yet when ever I tried to speak it just came out as the most garbled mess. I believe that the only true way to improve this is to actually get sleep during the week.

Oxford has given me so much time to spend with myself in such an open scheduled environment that my weakenesses are becoming evermore apparent to me. I don't think my time management is the most horrible in the world, but the time that I seem to be managing is about 6 hours later than what it should be. And then there's my obsessive work ethic which prevents me from sleeping after I have begun my essay writing I'm sure does not serve me well in the long run. The fact is, I don't know what its like anymore to not stay up all night working. When people are surprised by my horrible habits, I become a little perplexed as to how it is that they never have to work through the night to get something done right. Is this something that only I struggle with?

Maybe I will work on this in the upcoming weeks. I don't know that perfectionism is something that can be solved really though. And then sometimes I wonder that if I would have ever accomplished anything without it. My greatest weakness is also my source of motivation?? Maybe that isn't very sensible, but I suppose the thing to think more about is how to control it at least. Be cause this "all or nothing" mentality really tends to lead me to extreme practices- like pulling all nighters constantly, and never being satisfied with what I actually decide to put my effort in....okay, well this self reflection is probably more than enough for now.

I am glad that my work was worth it this week. And I hope that next week I can live up to my standards without irrational obsession.