The Comedy Must Go On

I've avoided writing this weekend simply because I've decided that I'm creating these self-fulfilled prophesies of disaster. I've realized that much of what I'm writing has to do with mishaps and things that go slightly off during my time here in Oxford- and I don't want to send the impression that everyday there is perpetual catastrophe-

My reason for sharing these awkward moments is more about memorable experiences and getting through them- Whohas ever been interested in reading about the perfect day where everything goes just fine? Great stories are always built on some great conflict right? Finding resolution is what move the plot and makes it worthwhile to read ....whether comedy or tragedy....you know, where characters go through a series of struggles until everyone ends up dead or married...a dreadful ending or a happy one.....So, I would like to present my little sequences of obstacles as more of a comedy. Not that I'm going to end up married... but I certainly get a good kick out of myself......and I will go ahead and speculate on a happy ending just because it's not in me to think things will end up otherwise...

...so comedy it is.....and I invite you all to feel no shame in laughing at my misfortunes when I share them.....


This brings me to Friday.

I woke up fully recovered from the night of wrestling with that essay and ready to face not only a tute but also an outing on the river to qualify for the torpids competition next week.

The Oxford Understanding
I had about two hours to prepare the presentation of my essay's argument so I began working on that...This was a new challenge that my tutor presented with....because the last week I hadn't done so well at presenting my argument, even though the essay was written well. My tutor said he didn't know if this was because I was initimidated by the one on one factor or if I just was not good at verbalizing....in fact he had tried to work with me on presenting a the specific differences between rights based versus property based views of freedom-which I completely failed to repeat to him. His conclusion was that I make too much eye contact during the arguments---looking to him for affirmation rather than pursuing my own thoughts regardless of the feedback----this was a fair judgement I think. Perhaps I do tend to be a little reluctant to aggressively present my own opinions for fear of just getting it wrong......which would reveal itself in my tendency to seek affirmation from my tutor's expression.

He proceeded to tell me that my explanations are often incoherent ramblings that are only an attempt to fill spaces of silences- essentially making them only random noises.

Fair enough....It wasn't until later...as in about 4 days later....that I thought about how insulted most students would have felt by this criticism. Perhaps even a year ago I might have let this bruise my intellectualy pride for weeks- after all, Speech competitions were my niche in highschool-and impromptu was my strongest event! Verbal communication should seem rediculously easy for me by now right?

Yet for some reason I am uninjured by the idea that my words are rendered meaningless- obviously because I didn't even mention it on here last week. I don't know if this means I spent way too much time waitressing last year, and am now just hardened to criticisms on the fruits of my labor and basic abilities....or if I've just fully granted the relationship that exists in the Oxford tutorial system- one of brutal honesty that is meant to challenge and construct.

I hope it is the latter, and I believe that it is. I tend to think of it like the understanding between my track coach and me when I was pushing to knock those seconds off in the last lap of the 800 meter run....he knew when I had more to give, often when even I failed to realize it.


Pre-Tutorial Jog
I knew Seth was right about my ramblings though- which made it easy to take the criticism. And this week I was going to make an effort to improve on that-I gave myself about 15 minutes to bike to the social science library. Since I had to reschedule my meeting for half an hour earlier for rowing, I was leaving from the house this morning rather than from lunch at Regents.

Well, I went outside, and as luck would have it- my bike was locked int he back gated yard!!! Out of the two or three bikes that had been leaning against the back gate, mine was apparently the chosen one to be placed INSIDE when the yard crew or whoever they were needed to get in that morning.....I tried to open the padlock using the combination that I remembered, but it just wouldn't budge. You can imagine how panicky this made me as I was about to be late for the tutorial that I had rescheduled for an earlier time! I went through the house to find no one available to help and decided that my only hope was to leave now while I still had 13 minutes--to run to my tutorial session.

While this was only 1 and 1/4 mile away, I realized that my distance running stamina is not what it used to be and had to walk to catch my breath a few times. And I wondered what all the people walking along the pavement would think of this girl wearing jeans and a backpack racing her little way through the crowds around oxford. Not that it mattered what they thought....and perhaps I shouldn't flatter myself to think that they would notice.

Nevertheless I made it through the doors of the social science library at exactly 1:30. So not all was lost. I entered the conference room a breathless mess, and felt the need to give my tutor at least some explanation- and maybe a good laugh. I guess one thing most Oxford dwellers have in common is a good bike story or two. He shared some of his with me...like the time he broke his key in his bike lock, which he thought was pretty thick, and a guy was able to chop right through it for him. How comforting in a town where bike theft is one of the most common contributers to crime rate.....And then there was the time when he came out to find his bick thrown into a dumpster!...well, my bike was definitely secure...and at least it had not been thrown away.....

My presentation of arguments had improved since the week before. And my paper, while not as good as last week was still significantly better than the first four. So that was encouraging. We discussed arguments of equality and distributive justice- and I while I don't feel the need to elaborate on all of that here, I will say that my lessons have given me a deeper realization of the complexities of many issues that seem so simple on the surface....something like equality is such a foundational ideal yet is understood so differently from many perspectives. I often wonder how nice it would be not to have to be faced with such controversial issues to write about each week- and then I remember that my goal at Oxford is to challenge everything- so any topic here I guess becomes a bit of a controversy, or the essay isn't worth reading.....


Cause You Know I'm Always Late....
After the tutorial, I headed off to the river to meet the girls for rowing. Of course I would be a little late because I didn't have my bike....but I didn't exactly realize how late I would be. As I came down the path by the river I met several of the girls who said "It's over"

"What? Over?"

"Yeah, it was at 1:30"

You've got to be kidding me. Apparently, while I was obsessing over my essay for 15 hours, I had been sent an email telling me about the time change for our rowing event. Unfortunately I failed to check my email and thus presented everyone on my team with a good dose of stress, panic, and frustration as a result of my negligence. I apologized to Hannah, but I was truly aggravated with myself to have let the team down like that. It's no fun screwing up, especially when it's completely unintentional. I feel if I were doing things to spite people I probably wouldn't feel that pain of guilt......on account as I would just be a mean person. But to fail an entire team by a mistake that would have been so simple to avoid- well, it was a downer to say the least.

Most of my awkward moments have been slightly laughable...this one pretty much wasn't. Luckily Caitlain was able to row in my place...but I still felt awful for not showing up when I was suppose to be there. This is one of those stories that would be nice not to include in my Oxford adventures....but I guess it would be dishonest to just present myself as a perfect individual as the rest of this blog would imply, right?

Interestingly enough, only an hour before in my tutorial I was discussing the fact that people make mistakes, and while there has to be some level of responsibility, it seems that there should also be a bit of forgiveness extended as well on the account that no one can live a perfectly wise life. The irony of this is that while I'm sitting in a room theorizing about mistakes people make- I was presently making a ton of people angry at me for my own ignorance.....

Anyhow, I have to trust that this too will become just another story of many to grow from on my Oxford trip...anyone who knows me well knows that I despise drama and will avoid conflict at all costs....but I seem to be finding myself in enough of it lately. Ah well, I guess it keeps this story going.